4 Steps for Effectively Navigating Interpersonal Conflict at Work

When interpersonal conflict arises at work, it can be hard to know how to address it. Most of us work with many different people who all have their own personalities, perspectives, habits, and values. Creating an environment where everyone can do their best work means that everyone needs to be willing to flex a little bit. So, when is it time to address something that is bothering you?

One threshold you could use is that if it’s bothering you enough that you feel a desire to vent or complain to others, it’s probably time to take some kind of action. Consider whether a conversation with the person whose behavior bothered you could make a bigger difference than venting to a third party. These can be tough conversations to have, but they are an important investment to create and maintain healthy relationships with your colleagues and a healthy workplace overall.

Before we go further, let’s clarify what I mean by “conflict.” I’m talking about the kinds of interpersonal friction, tension, and clashes that can happen when people with different personalities, habits, expectations, and communication styles work together. It’s very normal and can also be really challenging. I am not talking about discrimination, prejudice, harassment, or bullying. Those things often get referred to as “conflict” in a workplace, but they’re not. They’re manifestations of individual and systemic bias and oppression. Conflict might be a symptom, but the root cause is distinct. Coping with and addressing bias and oppression in the workplace require different strategies than the ones I’m laying out here.

Now let’s get to it. If you’re experiencing interpersonal conflict and not sure how to start doing something about it, here are some steps you can follow to address it more effectively.

Creating the context for a meaningful conversation

Take a pause

Going into a conversation about conflict with raised emotions can make it harder to have a respectful, productive interaction. Consider whether taking a pause would help you get into a different head space where you’re more likely to be able to listen well and access empathy. Be mindful of the way a pause can reduce your motivation to address a conflict, though. Sometimes we lose urgency and then decide not to have that conversation after all, even if it’s warranted. Resolve that you really will address the situation once you’re in the right head space. Giving yourself a deadline or sharing with someone you trust that you intend to have this conversation can help with accountability.

Clarify your goal

Before engaging the other person, clarify for yourself what you hope to get out of the conversation. This can help you formulate what to say and make it easier to recognize when you’ve achieved your objective. Are you seeking behavior change in the future? It will probably be beneficial to clearly state what change you hope the other person will make. Do you need an apology? Be prepared to ask for that. At the same time, know that you may not get exactly what you’re hoping for, especially if you don’t have a strong relationship with the other person. Think about what you need to create or get back to a functional working relationship and use that as your baseline goal.

Be aware of the possibility that the other person may also ask you to make some changes. How you handle that will likely depend on the situation. There are times that people do this to try to deflect attention away from their own behavior or choices, or as a defensive response to receiving feedback. In those scenarios, it can be helpful to have thought about a few ways to redirect the conversation back to your main topic and reinforce your message. Other times, the person may raise legitimate points about ways that your own behavior and choices contributed to the conflict. In those instances, try to stay open to the feedback and really hear the other person, just like you’re hoping they will for you. 

Don’t blindside the other person

Give the other person the chance to show up as their best self by giving them a little warning. Feeling blindsided is more likely to trigger defensiveness. You might say something like, “I’d like to talk with you about something that bothered me. When would be a good time for that in the next day or two?” Some people will want to address it right then if they have the time, while others will appreciate having the chance to gather their thoughts and get in the right frame of mind. Be prepared for either possibility and do your best to set aside enough time. It’s okay if you don’t fully resolve things with one conversation, but it’s better not to have to cut the conversation short because of time constraints.

Aim for a discussion, not a debate

When you have the conversation, start by sharing a brief summary of your take on the situation, focusing on how it impacted you. It isn’t necessary to repeat back the entire exchange or give your interpretation of every aspect of their body language and facial expressions, and that approach could put them on the defensive. Instead, focus on the specific things that negatively impacted you and explain what the impact was. This has the added benefit of being harder to argue with. The other person might try to correct you if you misquote them (according to their memory), but they’re less likely to argue with your description of your feelings about what happened.

Then, give them the chance to share their own recollection and how the situation impacted them. Ask open-ended questions to try to understand where they’re coming from. Take ownership of ways that you may have contributed to the conflict without realizing it. Resolving conflict in a healthy way usually requires effort on both sides. Continue to put forth effort by staying engaged in the conversation, being open to their perspective, and maintaining focus on finding a way to move forward that you both feel okay with.

What about power dynamics?

Power dynamics are always present and can really complicate interpersonal conflict. The power may come from having formal authority in an organization, whether it’s in the same area you work in, a different area, or on a specific project. Sometimes power dynamics come into play based on the identities of the people involved in the conflict and whether they are part of dominant or marginalized groups.

There are often multiple factors and identities at play, so it may not be clear who has more power. As you plan for a conversation, be conscious of potential manifestations of power dynamics and ways the other person may feel disempowered in this situation. Consider if there are things you can do to reduce the impact of a real or perceived power differential. For example, you may want to talk in a neutral space rather than your own office, where you would be on “home turf.”

If you feel like the less powerful one and are concerned about fallout from trying to address this conflict, look into what resources might be available to you. These could include your supervisor, another leader in the organization, and the HR team. If you are a union member, you can likely get support from union leadership as well.

Proceed with compassion

As you move forward, hold compassion for others and yourself through the process. Addressing interpersonal conflict isn’t easy. You might not do things perfectly, and the other person might not either. It can be hard and uncomfortable and a little messy. Even if it’s all those things, you will likely still end up in a better place if you put the effort into addressing the conflict than if you bottle up your frustrations. Do your best, learn from the experience, and let that be good enough.